yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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