I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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