My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
