Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
