where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
