I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
