just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
