U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
