The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
