i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
