My sheets look like a crime scene.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
