Moan for me like Helen Keller
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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