wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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