genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
