you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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