i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
