I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
