Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
