im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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