He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
