I wish I only lived at night.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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