You smell like stripper and shame
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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