No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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