I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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