I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
