forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
