It's like God shit irony all over that family
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
