My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
