Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
