he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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