Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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