it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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