i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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