Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just high enough for therapy.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
