Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
