Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
