The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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