Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This is my gift to your gina
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
