I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
