So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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