I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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