i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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