from now on my penis is your penis
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
