He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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