My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
