The maid of honor just puked.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
