ugly people sure do ruin things
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize