So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
so much tequila, so little girl.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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