Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
