He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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