I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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