I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
