Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
