I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
