I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
